my insides are torn.
i am unproductive at work, ending up usually just staring blankly at my laptop screen or clicking on links and tabs randomly. i am unmotivated because, honestly, between the past months' performance of my team and the current behaviors and attitudes they have, i don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. i am tired of trying to motivate people who end up complaining about the littlest things. this negativity, no matter how hard i try to be positive, is always up and about, playing inside my head. in short, i don't blend well with the people i handle and i don't want to force it because as i already mentioned, i'm tired. i think of these people and i say to myself, i would rather worry about my son's schoolwork, baon or anything to do with my home and family rather than waste precious brain cells trying to perk up a team mate. selfish i know, but what the heck, my priorities have changed.
when i get home, the thought of work never leaves my mind. night time and dawn are usually the times i think about work the next day. i think about trying to get out of work, wondering if it's still all worth it, thinking of the people i will have to face yet again, worrying about the things i haven't done that needed to be submitted last week, agonizing over the conversations in my head with my manager, my ops director, my team mates, my foreign counterparts, imagining the email messages i would be getting and how to respond to them and countless of other things that make me just want to go awol and disappear forever. oh if it were that easy... sometimes i dream of myself agonizing over the same things, making me wonder if i ever sleep at all.
on the other hand, i see hubby worrying about bills, debts and how the hell we're going to get through another week until the next payday. and i feel guilty. because here i am with the conversations in my head, knowing that we can't afford to lose either of our incomes, yet i still want to let go of mine. i've been trying not to let him in on my secret but alas, my mood swings and tears were a dead give away.
i feel bad because some may think, isn't your family enough motivation to stick and deal with work? my answer would be yes and no. yes because for the past months i've stuck with my job trying to make it work. no because if it comes to choosing between my sanity and wholeness vs the pay, i choose my sanity. i cannot continue to have this baggage when i get home to my child. he deserves my full attention, my happy self, and my undivided love.
so what do i do? if only i could turn my mind off for a few days without consequences. just quiet the voices and let go of the baggage.
