what's up?

it's been ages since i updated this blog, you might think i've had a lot of adventures by now. well, no.

what have we been up to?

since july 2009, there hasn't been much change. just a few minor tweaks of emotion here and there.

• hubby started to play online games less, which is good.
• my migs had a fun time during halloween, his costume was a muscular batman.
• work was the same - I was much less nervous about presentations in the past few months. although there are quite a few changes that will happen in the next few weeks, i will reserve that for another post until there is something more definite.
• christmas was spent at my brothers' place, had major drama on christmas eve but family is family.
• new year was much better - my migs still doesn't like fireworks so he spent the new year with ear covers.
• still having issues with the in-laws but, they're still family, not much i can do about it. patience is a virtue - something i remind myself of, everyday.
• yaya left because of an incident in the household, yaya came back after two weeks. couldn't stand being away from her alaga.
• my migs had his first christmas presentation in school. caught him picking his nose on video. kodak moment!
• spent my birthday with my 2 boys. nothing fancy.
• watched avatar in 3d - 1st time to watch something in 3d. a little dizzy at first but got used to it.
• missing my dad - 7th year since he passed away.
• my migs going on a field trip on friday. will go with him. exciting!

that's about it. i'll update about what's going on with work sometime in march when i know more.

it's official: i'm depressed

i've officially fallen off the wagon. i've spent most part of the past few days crying, stressed and depressed. this has even got me thinking if i need a psychological consult. ay yay yay!


my insides are torn.


i am unproductive at work, ending up usually just staring blankly at my laptop screen or clicking on links and tabs randomly. i am unmotivated because, honestly, between the past months' performance of my team and the current behaviors and attitudes they have, i don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. i am tired of trying to motivate people who end up complaining about the littlest things. this negativity, no matter how hard i try to be positive, is always up and about, playing inside my head. in short, i don't blend well with the people i handle and i don't want to force it because as i already mentioned, i'm tired. i think of these people and i say to myself, i would rather worry about my son's schoolwork, baon or anything to do with my home and family rather than waste precious brain cells trying to perk up a team mate. selfish i know, but what the heck, my priorities have changed.


when i get home, the thought of work never leaves my mind. night time and dawn are usually the times i think about work the next day. i think about trying to get out of work, wondering if it's still all worth it, thinking of the people i will have to face yet again, worrying about the things i haven't done that needed to be submitted last week, agonizing over the conversations in my head with my manager, my ops director, my team mates, my foreign counterparts, imagining the email messages i would be getting and how to respond to them and countless of other things that make me just want to go awol and disappear forever. oh if it were that easy... sometimes i dream of myself agonizing over the same things, making me wonder if i ever sleep at all.


on the other hand, i see hubby worrying about bills, debts and how the hell we're going to get through another week until the next payday. and i feel guilty. because here i am with the conversations in my head, knowing that we can't afford to lose either of our incomes, yet i still want to let go of mine. i've been trying not to let him in on my secret but alas, my mood swings and tears were a dead give away.

i feel bad because some may think, isn't your family enough motivation to stick and deal with work? my answer would be yes and no. yes because for the past months i've stuck with my job trying to make it work. no because if it comes to choosing between my sanity and wholeness vs the pay, i choose my sanity. i cannot continue to have this baggage when i get home to my child. he deserves my full attention, my happy self, and my undivided love.

so what do i do? if only i could turn my mind off for a few days without consequences. just quiet the voices and let go of the baggage.

here i go again

i didn't have any sleep at all last night. nada. went to bed around 10pm, woke up at 1pm and has been awake since. my mind wouldn't stop thinking and the voices in my head wouldn't shut up. yes, there are voices in my head. i'm not crazy, well maybe just a little...

for the past few months, i've been really stressed with work and mixing that with a toddler who is oh so cute, and has a lot of tricks up his sleeve, well, it just doesn't mix. i don't think i can ever be a successful full time working mom. i feel that my priorities have changed as the different stages in my life have presented themselves.

when i was single (a.k.a not married) , work was great. it allowed me to buy the things i needed for myself, boyfriend and family.

when i got married, shifting was still ok as hubby and i have been together for 13 years prior to getting married, we were used to each other's schedules.

when i got pregnant and gave birth, work was still ok but shifting was not. i felt that i needed to be with my son during the night. to leave for work while he was about to sleep was torture for me.

so i thought that moving to a morning account would end that. think again. now that my son is a toddler and going to school, the need for me to be with him is greater than ever. now, i feel that i'm shortchanging everyone. i don't want to feel guilty staying home with my son, but i do. i feel that i give less to the people i work with. and i feel that when i need to be at work for important meetings, i am shortchanging my son.

the past few days have made it clear to me, i'm slowly falling into fits of depression from all the stress, the worrying and that nagging voice inside my head.

i need to get out of this. i really do... soon!