bored

it's the weekend and a saturday night at that and i'm bored. i am watching my son turning around and around on the mat, waiting until he falls down. i'm tired of telling him to stop so i'm letting him be and waiting to see when gets tired of it. hubby, on the other hand, has been playing with his online buddies for the whole day. eversince he's been hooked on this online game, my weekends are spent like this. i wonder if i would ever have an adventure?

enough

ok enough of the sappy complaints. i chatted with my friend today and realized, there are far more bigger challenges and trials in the world. thanks to my dear dear friend, i've started to jot down my daily blessings in a journal. hopefully, this will allow me to have my daily dose of positive energy to help me get through the daily rants i have.

some of the things i will jot down would include: mini prayers, thoughts, blessings, rants (hopefully very minimal), raves and opinions on some other things i come across on a daily basis. come to think of it, i used to do this when i was younger, but when i started working, it just stopped.

now, i'm excited to buy a nice notebook and cute pens to go with it. thanks jes! i'll give you a big big hug when i see you :)

today

today, my migs started crying while i was preparing for work. he was asleep so i tried to pacify him by lying down beside him and making sure he was aware i was there. he opened his eyes. i mentioned that it was too early to wake up and that he should sleep again, and that mommy will be going to office in a little while. at that point he said, "no, sleep on my pillow." so i lay my head beside his and tried to make him sleep again. but, everytime i thought he was asleep and i would try to sneak out of the bed, he would open his eyes and hug whatever body part he could get a hold of and cry.

this was torture for me and it brought tears to my eyes. and finally, we had to leave and he was left crying until he fell asleep again from being tired of crying.

i never experienced this side of migs' behavior before. and i think that seeing this is agravating my want to resign from work and be with him. i mentioned in my previous posts that i may not be a full time work material type of mom. now, i'm sure. i can probably be a mom many times around and i wouldn't mind. work will have to take a back seat.

it's official: i'm depressed

i've officially fallen off the wagon. i've spent most part of the past few days crying, stressed and depressed. this has even got me thinking if i need a psychological consult. ay yay yay!


my insides are torn.


i am unproductive at work, ending up usually just staring blankly at my laptop screen or clicking on links and tabs randomly. i am unmotivated because, honestly, between the past months' performance of my team and the current behaviors and attitudes they have, i don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. i am tired of trying to motivate people who end up complaining about the littlest things. this negativity, no matter how hard i try to be positive, is always up and about, playing inside my head. in short, i don't blend well with the people i handle and i don't want to force it because as i already mentioned, i'm tired. i think of these people and i say to myself, i would rather worry about my son's schoolwork, baon or anything to do with my home and family rather than waste precious brain cells trying to perk up a team mate. selfish i know, but what the heck, my priorities have changed.


when i get home, the thought of work never leaves my mind. night time and dawn are usually the times i think about work the next day. i think about trying to get out of work, wondering if it's still all worth it, thinking of the people i will have to face yet again, worrying about the things i haven't done that needed to be submitted last week, agonizing over the conversations in my head with my manager, my ops director, my team mates, my foreign counterparts, imagining the email messages i would be getting and how to respond to them and countless of other things that make me just want to go awol and disappear forever. oh if it were that easy... sometimes i dream of myself agonizing over the same things, making me wonder if i ever sleep at all.


on the other hand, i see hubby worrying about bills, debts and how the hell we're going to get through another week until the next payday. and i feel guilty. because here i am with the conversations in my head, knowing that we can't afford to lose either of our incomes, yet i still want to let go of mine. i've been trying not to let him in on my secret but alas, my mood swings and tears were a dead give away.

i feel bad because some may think, isn't your family enough motivation to stick and deal with work? my answer would be yes and no. yes because for the past months i've stuck with my job trying to make it work. no because if it comes to choosing between my sanity and wholeness vs the pay, i choose my sanity. i cannot continue to have this baggage when i get home to my child. he deserves my full attention, my happy self, and my undivided love.

so what do i do? if only i could turn my mind off for a few days without consequences. just quiet the voices and let go of the baggage.

open letter to my migs

to my dearest migs,

there will come a time when you get to read my blog and i want you to know how much you affect me with the little things you do. i am really proud of the little things that make you, YOU.

like yesterday, while grocery shopping in sm hypermarket shaw (yes, i will be very detailed because when i am old and grey, i may become forgetful =p), you amazed me with the most simple thing.

as we were paying for our purchases, you saw the candy display on the cashier line. you asked if you could get a pack of gum, i said "no, you can get mentos instead." so you did. you got a stick of mint mentos. but as you saw the cadbury chocolate, you asked if you could get one. i said "ok," thinking that you will get it as an addition to the mentos. but you surprised me, instead of getting both, you put back the mentos and got one small piece of cadbury chocolate. you are amazing! i was so happy with that little gesture, i asked you to take two pieces of chocolate.

today, you are three years old and three months. i look forward to many more years of great surprises from you. i love you forever and always. and, taking a quote from the book i used to read to you, "as long as i'm living, my baby you'll be."

hugs and kisses,

mama

quiet time

there are days when you just want to spend a quiet time in your own room, but when you're living in your in laws house (like i am), sometimes there's no such thing as quiet time. sigh... there will always be people who knock on your locked door, or watch tv in the room, or just come in and clean up a bit. so, quiet time sort of becomes obsolete, unless you're in the bathroom.

one of the things i started to do is to try to fix the bathroom up a bit. since i spend most of my quiet time in there anyway. i talk to my live plant all the time, maybe that's why it's grown in the past month it's been with me. or maybe it's because of all the smoke it gets when vincent is in there. oh well, whatever it is, i hope it won't die on me.

happy father's day

this is migs' father's day gift to his papa. it made vincent's day! i'm glad that migs' teachers thought of this project/ artwork for father's day. and i'm glad that migs was able to hide this and give it to his papa on this day.

after lunch in farmer's market dampa in cubao, migs gave this to vincent upon returning home. the smile on hubby's face said it all. he was surprised and was really happy.

too bad mother's day falls in summer. but hopefully, my migs can start creating his own art masterpieces at home :)

to vincent, happy father's day. you are the best! and as migs recorded on my phone, "happy father's day, i love you. mwah!"

cooking

my mom is a great cook. so are all three of my brothers. unfortunately, i haven't discovered my talent in cooking. baking, yes, but not cooking. it's a whole different ballgame. it's not based on measurements but on the taste, so one really has to taste the food they cook.

the past few weeks have been an adventure for me in cooking. my MIL is out of town and i had to learn how to cook for my migs and hubby. it's a good thing my mom and brothers are just a phone call away. they gave me tips and tricks on cooking adobo, tinola, giniling, and sinigang. and i must say, they all turned out yummy.

so, i say thank you to my "mentors." hopefully, i get to master these recipes and more. one more thing, it's great to be living near a supermarket. i can get all the ingredients i need in a jiffy!

igorot costume

my hubby went to baguio a few weeks back and bought a kid's igorot costume for migs. it was only yesterday that he agreed to wear it so here are some pics. although he wore it, he didn't want to wear it without his underpants. cute noh? :)

my migs, future doctor?

coming off from the human body discussion with my migs, i decided to buy him a book that can offer some form of sustenance for his never ending thirst for knowledge.

i saw this activity book at toy kingdom. it was priced at around php350 or so. it contains reusable stickers, 1 book, and 1 double sided activity board.

migs had fun sticking the stickers to the board and finding out where his body parts are. i think it's worth every cent i paid for. good find!

may 28

today would have marked my parents' 43rd wedding anniversary. unfortunately, my papa died six years ago. i would have loved to see them together still celebrating their 50th golden anniversary, but i guess it wasn't meant to be.

so let me just say, cheers to your wedding anniversary! it would have been a blast!

interesting discussion

while preparing to go to sleep last night, i had a pretty interesting and very logical discussion with my migs and it goes something like this:

migs: (pointing to his head) this is my brain

me: you want to see what a brain looks like? it's like a long worm crumpled up.

migs: yes!

me: (used my iphone to search for pictures of a brain) this is what it looks like. see?

migs: mama, my brain is inside my head?

me: yes.

migs: how about my bones?

me: (searched for skeletal system on google images) these are your bones. you see your skull, your arms, your pelvic bone - where your bumbum is, and your legs and toes and fingers.

migs: (pointing to his body parts for each) my bumbum? this is my arms and legs and toes. my stomach have no bones.

me: (seeing how interested he is to see the inside of his body) you want to see your heart? this is your heart, see where it is?

migs: inside my chest.

me: very good! you want to see your lungs? remember, when you go to dr. reloza, she makes you breathe? the lungs are what you use. i'll show you.

me: (found pics of healthy and sick lungs) this is your lungs when it is healthy and not sick (pointing to the healthy lung) and this is the sick lung. when you smoke, your lungs look like this, pointing to the sick lung).
migs: (at this point, he got the phone from my hands and immediately went to his papa's side) papa, your lungs is pangit! you should stop smoking because your lungs is sick!

hubby: (while still playing his computer game) yes baby, i will stop smoking.

migs: (still at his papa's side) papa, your lungs is sick, stop smoking na! look! see, this is my lungs it's healthy!

i was pretty shocked that he absorbed all that in a span of a few minutes. he truly is a sponge when it comes to information and i'm glad we had that discussion. i'm sure he would want to see all of these pictures again tonight. future doctor or scientist? too early to tell, but as long as he'll be happy, i will support him.

my first big purchase

the first ever "big purchase" i had when i started earning my own money was my nokia 8250. coming from my nokia 5110, it was a big improvement. i was mesmerized by the 8210's blue backlight, small handy size, and butterfly looking keypad. so, it didn't matter that i paid Php27,000 or so for it when it first came out. call me a sucker but i just loved that phone to bits. it took a couple of years before i replaced that phone. i don't even remember what i replaced it with.

now i'm using an iphone 3g, which, come to think of it, i paid less for than the 8250. hopefully, i don't replace this anytime soon. :)

plans for june

hubby and i are planning to go on an overnight trip in a hotel in june. actually, it's more of a treat for migs, than a 4th wedding anniversary celebration.

my migs is a curious boy. he loves to observe and see things that are new to him. and a hotel is certainly a new place to go to. some of the things i think he might find amusing would be:

• hotel lobby
• concierge
• baggage trolleys
  
• elevator
• bathtub
• shower
• faucet
• mini shampoo bottles
• mini soap
  
• big bed
• hotel stationery and pencil
• room service
• mini bar
• hotel phone
• room curtains
• view
• swimming pool
• garden

so here i am scouting for a good hotel with a pool and a good buffet menu. the buffet would be the 4th year wedding celebration. i'm leaning towards edsa shangri la with h.e.a.t. we've eaten there before and found they had really good food. hopefully i get to finalize things before the month ends.

i'm so excited! finally, something to look forward to!

something i remembered

it's funny how, when you're young, you think that some things are more important and you find things you can't live without. only realizing when you're older that it was so trivial and there are far more important things to think of.

i just remembered, out of the blue, that i cried over this board game:


yes, i was a big fan of sweet valley high books way way back then. and when i saw this board game, i fell in love with it. not even seeing the contents, just the box made me want to ask my dad to buy it for me. of course, he wouldn't let me since it cost something like P800 which was a big amount sometime 1988. so i cried for days, until he finally bought it for me.

funny thing is, i never got to play with it. i opened it, checked out the contents and never really played with it. well first, it was for 2 or more players. second, my brothers never wanted to play with a girl board game so it was left stuck in a closet somewhere. now, looking back at my 11 year old self, i smile and think "what was i thinking?!"

happy mother's day to me

I will always remember the day,

I first held you in my arms,
how great you looked all wrapped up,
and the best feeling of all,

kissing you, the first time I saw you.

migs 1st field trip

on may 5, 2009, migs went on his first school field trip. the day started around 9:30 am when he woke up. but he didn't actually get off from the bed by then. instead, we spent around 30 minutes just lying there. around 10am, he was off downstairs for some breakfast. he finished eating around 10:20 just in time to get a quick bath. the school service came by for us around 10:35 am. off to school we went.

in school, we read a couple of books in the lobby and when some of his classmates started to arrive, he went inside the classroom. as usual, there were kids crying and clinging to the other moms and yayas. my migs was just hanging cool. he was cutting paper and while i was sitting beside him, he innocently said "mama, go out na." i was heartbroken! but i decided to look at the brighter side so i said, "no, i want to stay inside your classroom and watch you." so he began to walk around the room looking for something to do. he put together some puzzles, he wrote on the white board, erased, then they had circle time. this is to calm the children through songs and prepare them for where they were about to go. finally, they lined up and out we went to the cars.

i hitched a ride with carissa's mom. she was the first mom i ever talked to in the school and we got along pretty well. in the car with us was teacher teejay. so off we went to ice cream bar in rockwell. there were about 5 private cars in total carrying 11 kids, a couple of yayas, 4 moms and 4 teachers. it was good that it was only drizzling and not pouring like it is today.

once in ice cream bar, the kids looked around while teacher lisette introduced ms. jo. she's the lady who demonstrated how to make chocolate overload sundae (yum!). during her demonstration, the kids were already asking for spoons, evidently, they knew they were about to eat some ice cream! all in all, they ate three flavors - chocolate overload, mango yogurt with cornflakes and strawberry ice cream.


the kids got to pick their favorite and most of the kids picked strawberry, including migs. they got to peek at the freezers and see the different flavors and colors of ice cream.


but alas, it was time to go, so they thanked ms. jo, said goodye to the ice cream bar and formed their line to leave.

it was definitely a fun day with my migs. i look forward to future field trips to come. i have a couple more years until he finally says "mom, you don't have to go with me. my classmates don't have any moms with them." *sniff sniff*

here i go again

i didn't have any sleep at all last night. nada. went to bed around 10pm, woke up at 1pm and has been awake since. my mind wouldn't stop thinking and the voices in my head wouldn't shut up. yes, there are voices in my head. i'm not crazy, well maybe just a little...

for the past few months, i've been really stressed with work and mixing that with a toddler who is oh so cute, and has a lot of tricks up his sleeve, well, it just doesn't mix. i don't think i can ever be a successful full time working mom. i feel that my priorities have changed as the different stages in my life have presented themselves.

when i was single (a.k.a not married) , work was great. it allowed me to buy the things i needed for myself, boyfriend and family.

when i got married, shifting was still ok as hubby and i have been together for 13 years prior to getting married, we were used to each other's schedules.

when i got pregnant and gave birth, work was still ok but shifting was not. i felt that i needed to be with my son during the night. to leave for work while he was about to sleep was torture for me.

so i thought that moving to a morning account would end that. think again. now that my son is a toddler and going to school, the need for me to be with him is greater than ever. now, i feel that i'm shortchanging everyone. i don't want to feel guilty staying home with my son, but i do. i feel that i give less to the people i work with. and i feel that when i need to be at work for important meetings, i am shortchanging my son.

the past few days have made it clear to me, i'm slowly falling into fits of depression from all the stress, the worrying and that nagging voice inside my head.

i need to get out of this. i really do... soon!

migs' first day in school

today was migs' 1st day in summer school. the day started fairly well. migs woke up around 730am , bath at around 8am. we dressed him up in a blue shirt with white stripes and white shorts. but then, he decided that he didn't like that and he picked his own clothes. he wanted to wear his blue and yellow beckham soccer jersey outfit. so he ended up looking like he was going to play soccer instead of going to school. but that was fine since they don't have uniforms in school and they encourage the independence in picking your own clothes, no matter how "baduy" or out of sorts it is.


so when he was dressed, we waited for the school service, which arrived around 8:40am. since the school is really near our home, it just took around 5-7 minutes of a car ride to get there. when we got there, there were a lot of parents, yayas and kids waiting for classes to start.

migs immediately felt at home and started to explore the vicinity. he went through the kitchen and came back to the lobby, like it was his own house. he went inside the admin office and looked around. the admin officer asked him questions while he was there and he answered. he asked about the printer and the staplers and the scotch tapes. he was pretty comfortable with the people and the surroundings.

migs belongs to the rugrats class for incoming nursery students. they are 9 students in his class with 2 teachers and 1 teacher's aid. when he got to the classroom, he went straight in without even looking back at me. he sat down and played with clay. i think i was the one experiencing separation anxiety as i didn't want to leave him in the classroom alone! i took a few videos and proceeded to wait outside as the other mommies tried to pacify their crying children.

when they went out to play, he walked confidently and i was proud to see that he was able to go up the playground gym by himself. by this time, hubby was also there to see how independent he was. when it was time to go back to the classroom for snacks, he was the first in line and didn't even wait for the teachers. he went straight back to the classroom, passing by the bathroom to wash his hands.

before it was time to leave, he made a request to go number 2 so yaya rose, the teacher's aid in his class, went with him to the bathroom. imagine that, on his first day, he decided to christen the school's bathroom :)

when it was dismissal time, he had his lunchbox in his hand and said good bye to his teacher. i was really proud of my migs today. i can't wait to hear more stories of how he's doing in school. unfortunately, i can't be with him when he goes to the rest of his school days because i have to be at work. boo!

to my migs, i know you will do well! i love you!

summer school

april 13, 2009 marks a new chapter in my migs' life. this is the first time he will go to school. although it is for the summer, the program is fit for kids who will be going to school in june for the first time, sort of a transition period. and since he will be going to the same school in june, i hope the change will be easy for him.

gone are the days of diapers, nightly feedings, and bedtime rockings. here come the days of parent teacher conferences, school activities and quarterly payments!

to my migs, i know you will do well. papa and i are proud of you!

easter egg hunt

my nephews are coming over for the weekend. with about 7 kids in the house, i thought that an easter egg hunt would be fun for them to do. so i bought a couple of easter eggs, placed little party trinkets and a couple of candies in each.

on saturday afternoon, i will seclude the kids in a room and hide the eggs around the inside and outside of the house. then, i'll let the yayas and kids loose! this will be a fun activity. i can't wait. i hope migs gets a couple of eggs!

Holy Thursday

today is Holy Thursday. i'm glad to be off work and spending time with my migs. he woke up pretty early so i took the chance and brought him to greenhills, along with my nephew jose. no traffic, not too many people, it was perfect. we took out his bike so he could go around the parking lot, far from the early morning joggers going around the shopping center. but alas, he preferred to run around, walk on and jump off the parking lot beams. we stayed just around 15 minutes since we took the car without permission from hubby. :) on the way home we bought fresh, hot pandesal from pan americana. yum!

this afternoon, we filled the kiddie pool with water. when my migs wakes up, he will dive right into it. i wish i was a kid again. life is soooo much simpler.

medical scare

i just came from a check up today. i thought maybe something was wrong. i have been feeling pain on my left upper abdomen the past few days and thought maybe some organ was inflamed. thankfully, it might be just muscle stress.

sometimes, it takes things like this to make you re-think about priorities. right now my son needs me and i can't take any chances with my health. i have started to brisk walk as a form of exercise. so far i've lost a few pounds, which is good because i am a bit overweight for my height.

so, cheers to a healthier and leaner me!

32 years old

I turned 32 today. I started the day with a mass and then bought breakfast in Flapjacks. Sigh. I've been feeling down the past few weeks mainly because I feel that I have not accomplished anything. Nothing at all. Save for my son, everything else about me is flat. I hate my work, no romance, i hate my body. Ugh!

I take it as a sign that the sermon of the priest in today's mass was about Hope, and during the mass, there was a big butterfly fluttering near where I was seated. Maybe, this is the year I awake and start anew. I really hope it is.