what's up?

it's been ages since i updated this blog, you might think i've had a lot of adventures by now. well, no.

what have we been up to?

since july 2009, there hasn't been much change. just a few minor tweaks of emotion here and there.

• hubby started to play online games less, which is good.
• my migs had a fun time during halloween, his costume was a muscular batman.
• work was the same - I was much less nervous about presentations in the past few months. although there are quite a few changes that will happen in the next few weeks, i will reserve that for another post until there is something more definite.
• christmas was spent at my brothers' place, had major drama on christmas eve but family is family.
• new year was much better - my migs still doesn't like fireworks so he spent the new year with ear covers.
• still having issues with the in-laws but, they're still family, not much i can do about it. patience is a virtue - something i remind myself of, everyday.
• yaya left because of an incident in the household, yaya came back after two weeks. couldn't stand being away from her alaga.
• my migs had his first christmas presentation in school. caught him picking his nose on video. kodak moment!
• spent my birthday with my 2 boys. nothing fancy.
• watched avatar in 3d - 1st time to watch something in 3d. a little dizzy at first but got used to it.
• missing my dad - 7th year since he passed away.
• my migs going on a field trip on friday. will go with him. exciting!

that's about it. i'll update about what's going on with work sometime in march when i know more.

bored

it's the weekend and a saturday night at that and i'm bored. i am watching my son turning around and around on the mat, waiting until he falls down. i'm tired of telling him to stop so i'm letting him be and waiting to see when gets tired of it. hubby, on the other hand, has been playing with his online buddies for the whole day. eversince he's been hooked on this online game, my weekends are spent like this. i wonder if i would ever have an adventure?

enough

ok enough of the sappy complaints. i chatted with my friend today and realized, there are far more bigger challenges and trials in the world. thanks to my dear dear friend, i've started to jot down my daily blessings in a journal. hopefully, this will allow me to have my daily dose of positive energy to help me get through the daily rants i have.

some of the things i will jot down would include: mini prayers, thoughts, blessings, rants (hopefully very minimal), raves and opinions on some other things i come across on a daily basis. come to think of it, i used to do this when i was younger, but when i started working, it just stopped.

now, i'm excited to buy a nice notebook and cute pens to go with it. thanks jes! i'll give you a big big hug when i see you :)

today

today, my migs started crying while i was preparing for work. he was asleep so i tried to pacify him by lying down beside him and making sure he was aware i was there. he opened his eyes. i mentioned that it was too early to wake up and that he should sleep again, and that mommy will be going to office in a little while. at that point he said, "no, sleep on my pillow." so i lay my head beside his and tried to make him sleep again. but, everytime i thought he was asleep and i would try to sneak out of the bed, he would open his eyes and hug whatever body part he could get a hold of and cry.

this was torture for me and it brought tears to my eyes. and finally, we had to leave and he was left crying until he fell asleep again from being tired of crying.

i never experienced this side of migs' behavior before. and i think that seeing this is agravating my want to resign from work and be with him. i mentioned in my previous posts that i may not be a full time work material type of mom. now, i'm sure. i can probably be a mom many times around and i wouldn't mind. work will have to take a back seat.

it's official: i'm depressed

i've officially fallen off the wagon. i've spent most part of the past few days crying, stressed and depressed. this has even got me thinking if i need a psychological consult. ay yay yay!


my insides are torn.


i am unproductive at work, ending up usually just staring blankly at my laptop screen or clicking on links and tabs randomly. i am unmotivated because, honestly, between the past months' performance of my team and the current behaviors and attitudes they have, i don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. i am tired of trying to motivate people who end up complaining about the littlest things. this negativity, no matter how hard i try to be positive, is always up and about, playing inside my head. in short, i don't blend well with the people i handle and i don't want to force it because as i already mentioned, i'm tired. i think of these people and i say to myself, i would rather worry about my son's schoolwork, baon or anything to do with my home and family rather than waste precious brain cells trying to perk up a team mate. selfish i know, but what the heck, my priorities have changed.


when i get home, the thought of work never leaves my mind. night time and dawn are usually the times i think about work the next day. i think about trying to get out of work, wondering if it's still all worth it, thinking of the people i will have to face yet again, worrying about the things i haven't done that needed to be submitted last week, agonizing over the conversations in my head with my manager, my ops director, my team mates, my foreign counterparts, imagining the email messages i would be getting and how to respond to them and countless of other things that make me just want to go awol and disappear forever. oh if it were that easy... sometimes i dream of myself agonizing over the same things, making me wonder if i ever sleep at all.


on the other hand, i see hubby worrying about bills, debts and how the hell we're going to get through another week until the next payday. and i feel guilty. because here i am with the conversations in my head, knowing that we can't afford to lose either of our incomes, yet i still want to let go of mine. i've been trying not to let him in on my secret but alas, my mood swings and tears were a dead give away.

i feel bad because some may think, isn't your family enough motivation to stick and deal with work? my answer would be yes and no. yes because for the past months i've stuck with my job trying to make it work. no because if it comes to choosing between my sanity and wholeness vs the pay, i choose my sanity. i cannot continue to have this baggage when i get home to my child. he deserves my full attention, my happy self, and my undivided love.

so what do i do? if only i could turn my mind off for a few days without consequences. just quiet the voices and let go of the baggage.

open letter to my migs

to my dearest migs,

there will come a time when you get to read my blog and i want you to know how much you affect me with the little things you do. i am really proud of the little things that make you, YOU.

like yesterday, while grocery shopping in sm hypermarket shaw (yes, i will be very detailed because when i am old and grey, i may become forgetful =p), you amazed me with the most simple thing.

as we were paying for our purchases, you saw the candy display on the cashier line. you asked if you could get a pack of gum, i said "no, you can get mentos instead." so you did. you got a stick of mint mentos. but as you saw the cadbury chocolate, you asked if you could get one. i said "ok," thinking that you will get it as an addition to the mentos. but you surprised me, instead of getting both, you put back the mentos and got one small piece of cadbury chocolate. you are amazing! i was so happy with that little gesture, i asked you to take two pieces of chocolate.

today, you are three years old and three months. i look forward to many more years of great surprises from you. i love you forever and always. and, taking a quote from the book i used to read to you, "as long as i'm living, my baby you'll be."

hugs and kisses,

mama

quiet time

there are days when you just want to spend a quiet time in your own room, but when you're living in your in laws house (like i am), sometimes there's no such thing as quiet time. sigh... there will always be people who knock on your locked door, or watch tv in the room, or just come in and clean up a bit. so, quiet time sort of becomes obsolete, unless you're in the bathroom.

one of the things i started to do is to try to fix the bathroom up a bit. since i spend most of my quiet time in there anyway. i talk to my live plant all the time, maybe that's why it's grown in the past month it's been with me. or maybe it's because of all the smoke it gets when vincent is in there. oh well, whatever it is, i hope it won't die on me.